The dangers of carrying a torch for a past love

Relationships end for many reasons - some have dramatic endings and leave scars behind to that remind us of how glad we are that the relationship ended.  Then there is the reverse - the relationship just ends and there are not solid reasons why.  You either just drift or one moved to another state and keeping in touch becomes increasingly difficult.

In the situation of the move, sometimes there is a lot of unresolved issues and therein lies the danger.  When we drift we tend to store away memories in a box, tied up with pretty ribbons and we occasional open the box as a feel good fuse as we stroll down memory lane.  As time passes unfortunately we age but seldom do we remember to age the contents of the box accordingly.

As luck would have it, one day we get that surprise telephone call or email - "I am in town can we meet?"  We go to our pretty box for a quick refresher and in no time we are like a lovesick school girl giddy with excitement at the thought of reacquainting with a lost love - "the one that got away."

Nothing prepares you for the shock.  In it all, we are our own worst enemy because our memories are never to the point.  For those that disappointed us they might as well have been a serial killer.  For those that left us still wanting more we romanticize absolutely everything and in the end the avatar in our head could not be further away from the real person who we finally sit down with at our local Starbucks. 

It will be the longest short meeting you will have ever had (that is hoping of course you were wise enough to start off with a coffee and didn’t go full on with dinner.  At which point you just want to get away!).  In short try not to carry a torch for a past love for seldom do they live up to our romanticized version of themselves.

How old is too old

Does the difference in ages with your partner really matter?  Or am I just old fashioned.   Being a fairly active woman in my mid 40s I was surprised when my cousin said she would like to introduce me to “guy a little older than” me.  I was quick to ask how much older.  Well he is in his 60s.

 

I really do not know about all of you but two decades seems an awfully big difference in ages for my comfort.  He would, in my little world, be old enough to be my dad.  I know some women like a “mature man” but since that whole women mature early than men sort of level out between 30 and 40 years of age.

You see here is how I see it, I am in my 40s and finally I really know who I am.  And finally feel that I have earned the freedom not to be inhibited by any stereotypes nor do I feel pressure to fit in.  I finally feel I can enjoy my life and I have 20 years within which to do so.  Now if I were to latch myself to a man nearing 70s isn’t that defeatist somehow?  He is entering his sunset and I am right bang in the middle of my day – how can we run together at the same pace?

Single Life During Holiday Season

I recently met a woman who revealed to me that even though her Facebook profile shows her as being in a relationship she really isn't and has been single for some  time now.  She takes even it further - the man she is in a "relationship with" actually plays for the other team but they are really good friends and needed someone permanent to be her + one when she goes to functions.

At first I really did not get it at all.  But now as the holiday season approaches and the apprehension of those prying eyes as you arrive at a function by yourself and everyone else is with their significant other.  I dread the questions from family - the aunt who gently says "Sweetheart come and sit by me and tell all that you have been up to since the last time I saw you!" or "What ever did happen with that bloke you were with two years ago?"  Questions and prying go on and on.

Every question while asked with nothing but the best of intentions it is generally received with untold apprehension and dread.  It's not that I want to be single, no but I have however embraced that this is where I am right now.  It's just simply that I cannot seem to meet the right "guy" - that perfect one whose bad habits I can learn to live with just as learns to live mine! 

Is the soul searching after a breakup necessary

Why is it after a breakup women want to go and revisit every single relationship they have ever had?  Does it actually serve a purpose?  If you are giving of your best while you are in a relationship there really should be any need to soul search afterwards.

Many of us get really angry and overact.  Now do not get me wrong.  I am not saying do not get mad. Yes get really mad but do not cut all lines of communications just because you are mad.  Allow yourself a day of two to simmer down some.  Then after you have calmed down then reassess things.  Some sins are unforgivable and other we need to find compromises.

Before you swear up and down that you want some out of your life take time to look at the good times too.  Weigh the pros and cons.  Danger is sometimes we tell ourselves that someone who loves would never do certain to us but we seldom look at what we do to loved ones. 

So before you go to all corners of the world in search a duplicate of what you have just banished out of your kingdom tell them just how upset you are and hear their reason for the big tragedy.  If there is neither remorse nor a promise never to repeat said sin again then you need to head towards the exit sign. 

Soul searching once our anger subsides is no good for anyone if the relationship is now too damaged to fix.  The saying "never go to bed angry" does not need to be taken so literally for I believe sometimes we can be flaming angry - but let’s do it with a purpose.

How Feminism plays out in the dating scene……

So a friend shared a blog with me and asked me what I think of this guy.  While I think it very refreshing that men like this are still out there the comments that were posted on his blog leave me wonder where we as women went wrong.  

Why-chivalry-is-dead-from-a-mans-perspective 

From generation to generation we keep thinking we are redefining ourselves but with each generation we lose a little of ourselves in the process.  So here is my take on it.

We were created the way we are – whether some like refer to us as “the weaker sex” or “the fairer sex” we are nonetheless the ones that nurture while the men protect.   My mother always said it is not a sin to have someone around who does things for you but you must first know how to do it for yourself so that you are not a slave to a situation.  At the time she was making sure I knew how to change my tires should my car have a flat.  She also insisted that I knew how change my light bulbs etc. but this same woman also insisted I took grooming classes.  Today I am a well-rounded woman who would enjoy having her man open the door for her (were I to have one) or pull the chair because I am secure in who I am.

I do believe that as women we do need to revisit what we define as being Feminist.  Could it be that it’s our own insecurities that we let mar the playing field?  Now men feel that “treating us” as equals they do not need to court us and that causal sex is ok.  Am sure there are many more of us crave the Chivalry that was the norm when our parents where courting.

Single with married friends - "the Have and Have nots"

A friend comes crying to you with what they perceive is a problem - do you laugh in their face and say grow up or do you do the mature thing.  Listen and ask them what it is they expect from you while all the time in your head you are screaming grow up. 

When you have something you really tend to take a lot of things for granted.  I have a friend who after six years of marriage really thought she had sold herself short and married beneath her and all.  She decided it was time for her to go out and find her true mate.  As a true friend I tried as hard as I could to tell that the "Mills & Boon" (UK) or in the USA Harlequin Romance Novels could not be further from the truth.  Why on earth as teenagers we were allowed to read this is beyond me.  They leave you damage because no prince in shining armor is going to ride and steal your heart.

I believe as long as I have been out of the dating scene I understand relationships now more than I did when I was married or dating.  The outside looking in - the picture is crystal clear.  Relationships are give and take.  You can not ask for perfect if you yourself are not perfect.  And for those of you who believe you are perfect am sure there is a pill for that too.

Going back to my friend - yes she did not listen to me - she went ahead and divorce that after a year of searching unsuccessfully for her soul mate she had to endure seeing her ex swooped up by someone who thought he was her knight in shining amour.  It was extremely painful to resist saying I told you so.

Now she is in my camp - searching ever so unsuccessfully for that one person with whom together you can compromise your way to as close a perfect relationship as you can.

Old fashioned ways of courtship

So all my friends told me to try online dating and everyone readily runs lists of people for whom it has worked.  For years I fought it succumbing to resorting to the online dating game.  I really thought it would show a sense of desperation.  I felt it would be ME admitting to failure.  Failure that I was not packaged well enough to be found desirable by some ruggedly handsome man.  Thought that happened to other people and since I mistakenly thought I was reasonable attractive I would find someone.

Well after eight full years of me waiting for Mr. Right to ask me on a date do I just throw in the towel and call it a day as I did the six months of effort that I put into online dating?  Friends tell me if I wanted to date I would be dating but since I am really old fashioned and truly need the courtship thing going on.  But alas no ruggedly handsome man on the horizon.  I am waiting on someone to ask me out.  I have been holding onto to the idea that there are some men out there who are just as old fashioned as I am.  Or am I on a dream boat?